We’ve been together for 3 years then, and we’ve gotten comfortable, we have this kind of relationship na hindi kami nagpapakielaman ng gamit, ng phones, ng messages. Sabihin na nating we ‘trust’ each other that much. Sometimes I am even accused of ‘not caring’ kasi I dont ask a lot of questions when he goes out.. stuff like that.
There was one time he was on his way back home from Thailand.. I was planning to send nudes or maybe video-tease him so he’d come running to me.
Upon opening my laptop, I was logged out of facebook pala, as I was trying to log in, lumabas yung email niya sa choices, when I clicked it, nakasave pala yung password. So just like what a normal girlfriend will do, I opened it out of curiosity then I found out he was flirting with other women.
(Women, women, WOMEN. Putangina kang dalahira kang balbakwa, malandi ka pa sa hipong nilalasing at pinakukuluan sa suka!)
What was weird was, I was a bit furious (o baka sinasabi ko lang yon). But I was more of devastated, disappointed, and sad. Akala ko kasi matinong tao siya, matino in a sense na hindi magloloko, good boy ba. Kasi he has this aura na ang linis.. He is around 5’7″, maputi, bilugan ang mata, clean cut ang buhok, no facial hair, trimmed nails.. may pagka OC.. hindi rin ganong mabisyo, kapag tinignan mo.. parang Nice Guy ganon. Pero oo nga naman, sino ba naman kasi ang hindi matutukso, ang gagandang mga babae non, ang sesexy pa, ako man ang kalantariin non, bibigay rin ako. Hindi ko masabing hindi ako nagalit, pero nag aalab yung damdamin ko, hindi sa poot kundi sa lungkot.
I took an hour crying, another hour sa pagtanganga (pagtunganga at pagtanga). And I cant help but think about how messed up my situation is, what do I do? Pauwi galing sa business trip.. Aawayin ko ba? Babatuhin ko ba ng plato? Mumurahin ko ba? Babalian ko ng tite? Babayagan ko ba? Anong gagawin ko?
Ano pa nga ba, edi nilogout ko.. tapos cnlear ko ang saved passwords sa browser.. para hindi ko na mabuksan pa ulit.
I took a long and hot shower.
Habang umaagos yung tubig sa ulo ko, pababa sa katawan, umaasa ako na lahat ng sakit na dulot ng lahat ng nakita ako ay sumama na rin at umagos sa drainage, kung pwede lang hugasan ang kalamnan, kung pwede lang banlawan ang isip, kung pwede lang magreset ng memory, tangina, tinignan mo pa kasi.
Across the shower is a door na may full body mirror, while showering tinitignan ko lagi ang katawan ko, I appreciate myself.. I even pose on days that Im feeling like it. Pero at that time I cant help but question its proportion, kung alin ba ang mali, alin ang maliit, its whole existence. Bakit kasi ganon, bakit hindi ka sapat? 34A-27-38 standing at 5’3″ , hindi naman talaga perfect, pero okay ka naman dati kapag tinitignan kita, naglalandi ka pa nga sa salamin dba? Bakit ngayon hindi ka masaya?
I live in a medium rise condominium, 4 floors na C shaped ang style ng buildings, at the middle ay may pool, and all rooms facing the pool from the 2nd floor up ay may veranda. My unit is at the fourth floor, I usually smoke at the veranda, sabi nila bawal raw pero tangina ninyong lahat.
After showering, with a towel wrapped on my head, wearing a bathrobe, I went out sa veranda to smoke. My boyfriend doesn’t want me to smoke, I dunno kung disgusted lang ba siya talaga sa lasa, or sa mismong idea na ang babae ay hindi dapat naninigarilyo, there was even a time that we didn’t french kiss (pero we did Aussie kiss) during intercourse just because I came from a party and I smell (maybe) like a chimney.
1 stick, 2 sticks, sinusubukan kong huwag mag isip, alam mo yung nagiisip ka para hindi magisip? Pwede ba yon? And in that moment narealize ko na ang daming veranda sa condo na yon pero usually ginagawa lang sampayan ng mga tao, sa 2 years ko na pagtira doon, parang wala pa a…