My first order was to meet my girl friends from my old school. Actually, nagtatalo ang isip ko if I should meet Liam agad agad, or hindi. Bigla akong natakot, just the thought of his reaction. Madaming pumasok na what ifs sa akin noon, and ang ending siya pa ang nawala sa priorities ko.
I thought, nag mature na ako mentally, pero pag naiisip ko yung galit niya sa akin dahil sa ginawa ko, natatakot talaga ako. After meeting my friends from my old college school, I decided to make a trip to our hometown sa norte. I want to do it on my own. Dati kasi pinag da drive ako ni Liam, rode trip kaming dalawa. Those were happy memories. I asked my cousin to bring me my car sa Cubao and told him my plan that I am going to visit our hometown. He refused, kasi sa makalawa na daw yung get together.
I mustered all my courage just to ask kung pupunta ba si Liam. My ever annoying cousin just smirked on me and showed his most annoying smile, leaving me irritated. But at the back of my head, I was really hoping he’d come. Before the get together, I was encouraging myself to be brave, brace myself for anything that might happen.
On the day ng get together, puyat na puyat ako. Di ako nakatulog ng maayos sa anticipation. Andun yung excitement, takot, lungkot at saya. Syempre, I am excited and happy to see him after more than two years. I was sad because I am afraid of what may happen. Baka hindi niya pa ako napapatawad, likely naman na hindi pa, I told myself.
I was having a hard time choosing my outfit for this get together. Since highschool naman, eh may pagka fashionista naman na ako. Nung kami ni Liam, he would sometimes choose my outfit, minsan yung mga easy access dress, minsan naman yung normal polo shirt tops at short shorts, or jeans, basta litaw yung curve daw ng katawan ko. Hindi rin naman siya nakikialam madalas, unless it was too revealing at hindi ko siya kasama, ayaw niya. Nonetheless, I respected that side of him naman din.
My cousin picked me up sa bahay namin at around four in the afternoon. Inside the car was his girlfriend, so I took the back seat. As per my cousin, three cars will be in convoy and confirmed that Liam will be there. Though, sabi niya din, wala daw itong alam that I am here in the Philippines. We parked in front of CBTL sa Gateway Mall, and sakto na andun na yung first car which consists some of our friends. Pinsan ko nalang ang bumaba, while me and his girlfriend stayed nalang sa sasakyan, rolled down our windows and greeted them. As per them, we were just waiting for the last car. I was looking for Liam that time, pero di ko siya nakita. Nagkwentuhan nalang kami ni ate Denise inside the car while waiting for the last car. Siguro mga five or some more minutes ay may nag park sa harap ng sasakyan namin. May bumaba sa passenger side at isa sa mga barkada namin iyon. I was really nervous that time because I was really anxious and anticipating him.
My world literally stopped, my mouth opened and my jaw dropped when Liam stepped out from the driver side. All I can say is ang gwapo niya that time, para siyang si Chris Evans, when he transformed from that skinny soldier to that mouth watering Capt. America. I was like, totoo ba, si Liam yun, I thought to myself. Gusto kong bumaba ng kotse that time to hug, and kiss him right there and then. Si ate Denise naman ay naka tingin na pala sa akin at nakangiti. She snapped her finger to me which brought me back to my world and my senses. Tumango lang siya as if telling me na kung gusto ko bang bumaba. I know, you might be telling now na medyo depressed ba ako or desperate at that time, pero pinigilan ko ang sarili ko. I checked my outfit, nag ayos ng buhok and checked how is my make up.
After their quick talk, umalis na din kaming lahat, we were heading south, sa 19 East daw kami. My cousin gave a quick look bago kami umalis at naka ngiti siya as if telling me, did you see that? Did you see Liam? Oh my goodness, my cousin really knows how to annoy me. Medyo matagal ang byahe and I talked so little, afraid that I may say something na hindi dapat. I let my cousin and his girlfriend do all the talking to themselves. I started to get nervous halfway through the ride. Yung kabog ng dibdib, sobrang lakas, parang lalabas na yung puso ko. Then ate Denise looked at me with a warm smile.
Pagdating namin sa venue, nauna nang dumating sila Liam and it is around six thirty na. He was standing sa harap ng sasakyan and talking to one of our friends. My cousin and ate Denise, nauna na silang bumaba, di ako mapakali talaga. I was checking my outfit, and rechecked my make up. I was waiting na umalis na si Liam sa harap ng sasakyan para makababa ako. Maya maya pa ay kinatok na din ako ng pinsan ko, signalling that I should get off the car. I had no choice, bumaba na ako ng kotse, hoping he will not look at my direction, it was too late, the moment I opened the car door, he was already looking, anticipating kung sino ang bababa. There and then, our eyes met, locked for seconds. He was stunned to see me, napayuko nalang ako, not sure kung napahiya ba ako or was it just I can’t handle his stare. People around us were observing us kung anong next actions namin. Liam looked around him in confusion. Buti nalang one of our friends called him and the rest of us to get inside the bar.
I felt relieved.
Mula nang pumasok kami sa loob ng bar, I was trying to peek at him. Ewan, nag assume ako na he would also look at me, pero bigo ako. I was thinking that time, galit nga siya sa akin, and of course, dapat lang siyang magalit sa akin, nag eexpect ako na after ko siyang iwanan nang walang ni ho ni ha, he would be excited at my presence. Di ko na naiintindihan ang kwentuhan nila, I am in my own bubble that time, wishing na sana di nalang ako sumama that time and made a separate meet up with him. My bubble burst when someone called me.
“Kailan ka pa nakauwi, Lanz?“
I was hesitating to answer, and before I did, tumingin ako sa direksyon ni Liam. He was already looking at me, na agad ko namang binawi agad and turned to our friend. Ayoko na ulit tumingin sa direksyon niya. But in my peripheral view, I can see na nakatingin pa din siya sa akin and waiting for my answers. Eto yung ayoko sana eh, feeling ng naka hot seat.
Nagpatuloy pa ang kwnetuhan namin at yung question and answer portion. Lumingon lingon ako sa paligid at wala na siya sa table namin. I felt the panic, di ko alam kung bakit and I didn’t like the feeling at that time. Nang makahanap ako ng tyempo, tumayo ako at pumunta sa rest room para umihi at mag retouch na din. I was hoping to see him na din kung andun ba siya sa area. Habang nakapila, tumingin tingin ako sa table namin, checking as well kung bumalik na ba siya. I pulled out my phone and checked my myspace, and yes, myspace pa ang uso nun. I checked my email as well.
Pabalik na ako, pero wala padin siya sa table namin. Dumaan ako sa bar and ordered a bottle of beer at dumiretso ako sa labas. Natanaw ko na andun padin naman ang kotse niya na ginamit, so I thought hindi pa siya umuuwi. Napatalon ako at ang puso ko nang may humawak sa kanang braso ko.
“I’m sorry.” pag lingon ko, si Liam pala. I stared at him, at nakangiti siya. Gosh ang gwapo niya. Ang laki ng pinagbago niya physically.
“O-okay lang.“
Dead air.
Wala ng nagsalita sa amin. Nag aantayan kami kung sino ang dapat maunang magsalita. The only time na naging awkward kami was the first time we met and when he asked me to date him. Napipi ako. Nag rehearse pa naman ako kung paano ko siya kakausapin, kung ano ang una kong sasabihin, pero walang lumabas sa bibig ko.
“I am glad that you have moved on.” basag niya sa katahimikan. Napatingin ako sa kanya with some sort of amusement and confusion.
“I mean, sabi nila pag daw nagpapagupit ang babae, it’s a sign that she moved on or nasa moving on stage..” napanganga nalang ako sa mga sinabi niya. Muntik ko pang maipaligo yung beer ko dahil unconsciously, I was about to touch my hair that time. I used to have long hair and he knows gano ko kamahal yung long hair ko, and nung nasa US ako, nagpagupit ako.
“You must be feeling awkward with my presence, I’m sorry. I am going back inside na.“
“H-hon. Liam!” bigla ko siyang hinawakan sa damit niya nang papaalis na siya.
Another silence between us. Parang tumigil ang lahat sa paligid namin when he turned around and faced me.
“I…I…“‘
“You…what?“
“I’m…I’m sorry” hindi ko na siya matitigan sa mata this time. Sobra akong nanliliit that time. Rinig ko pa ang pag buntong hininga niya that time. I don’t know if it was letting out frustration or what.
“Okay na yun Lanz. It has been more than two years. We both moved on.“
“If iniisip mo na galit ako sayo, I cannot answer that, because I really don’t know. Napatawad na kita. To be honest with you, marami akong tanong. Pero in that two years, my realizations somehow answered those questions and helped me to move on.” dito ko na hindi napigilan ang luha ko na pumatak.
Sure, I made him suffer because of my selfishness. I tried justifying my actions then, kung bakit yun ang pinili kong route for us. I was a coward. But hearing his words then, para akong sinaksak directly sa puso ko. I cannot explain the pain that time. There was this bitter taste in my mouth.
He asked me to fix myself and we should be getting back sa loob baka hinahanap na daw kami. Sa loob loob ko, gusto kong mainis, dahil hindi niya ako binigyan ng chance na makapag explain sa kanya. It is as if he totally moved on. Nang magka ayaan ng umuwi, to everyone’s surprise, sinabi ko na kay Liam ako sasabay since along the way lang naman. I told him na sa family house ako nag stay. Hindi na siya pumalag, but instead, the ever gentleman, he obliged and said na siya na daw ang bahala sa akin. I felt some relief dahil hindi niya pinaramdam na awkward yung situation.
We were cruising EDSA, pero wala padin ang nagsasalita sa aming dalawa. It was just the radio.
Every night you cry yourself to sleep. Thinking: “Why does this happen to me?
Why does every moment have to be so hard?” Hard to believe that
It’s not over tonight Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night I won’t go home without you
Nasa bandang megamall na kami and kaunti nalang, pa Cubao na kami. I asked him if busy ba siya, like in the next two days. Sumagot naman siya na hindi, so I took that chance. I mustered all the courage and told him to head straight to north. I swear, kung hindi kami naka seatbelt, baka nadisgrasya na kami. I almost shouted sa biglaan niyang pag brake. Buti at wala din kaming kasunod. It was my fault though, me and my nonsensical mouth. He said sorry and asked if bang okay ako at tinabi niya saglit ang kotse sa gilid ng EDSA.
We discussed na gusto ko sanang pumunta sa home province namin, just for an overnighter or two. He pulled out his phone at hindi ko na tinignan kung ano ang ginagawa niya. After some ten to fifteen minutes ay umandar na kami ulit. He said na, mag withdraw nalang kami along the way and bumili ng damit bukas ng umaga sa kung saan meron kaming madadaanan na mall or sa destination nalang namin.
We made a stop sa isang gas station sa NLEX to buy our essentials, had our coffee na din. We hit back on the road. Bit by bit, nag open up na yung connection naming dalawa. He was asking questions, at nakakapag kwentuhan na kami, nawala na ng kaunti yung awkward silence namin. The thing was, he never asked anything about me, about us. I felt na iniiwasan niya, so hindi na muna ako nag open ng kahit anong topic about us. Pagdating namin bandang Tarlac ay nakatulog na pala ako. I dreamt of him caressing my face again, smiling and about to kiss me nang gisingin niya ako. When I woke up, we were already in La Union, at mag breakfast na daw kami. He did some stretching after and hit the road again. Nakaidlip naman na daw siya bago pa niya ako gisingin. May mga nadaanan kaming malls along the road and bought our clothes. Idinaan niya din ako sa isang resort wherein may nagbebenta ng mga bikini sets. Natawa nalang ako sa idea but I was relieved na, alam niya padin na whenever we go north, hindi pwedeng wala akong beach attire.
Past lunch time na kami nakarating ng Ilocos, and we went straight to Pagudpud, another two hour drive. Ayaw ko sana kasi alam kong pagod na siya kaso siya naman ang mapilit.
“Ilocos with you will never be completed without Pagudpud.” ang nakangiti pa niyang sagot sa akin. Gusto kong matunaw at that moment, I feel like sobrang pula ko noon. Sobra akong kinilig sa kanya, lahat ng kasuluksulukan ng katawan ko kinilig.
Pagdating namin sa resort, ako na ang nag asikaso lahat lahat. I mean, gasolina, toll, pagod sa pag drive, kanya na. I was having a hard time kung dalawang room ba ang kukunin ko na atleast magkatabi or isa nalang. I looked at him na nakaupo sa lounge, busy sa phone niya. Napaisip ako, hindi kaya may girlfriend to? Pero kung meron bakit siya pumayag to this whole ordeal. Damn.
“Are you okay na sa iisang room lang tayo? May mag out naman daw bukas pero not sure if mag extend pa ba yung guest or not.” ang sabi ko sa kanya. I chose to book for only one room kahit na may iba pang available rooms. I caught his quick reaction, disappointed siya na ewan. Then he smiled back at me and said na okay lang daw.
Pagdating namin sa room, malaki siya. Executive ang kinuha ko, so meron itong alaskan king size bed, may sofa, mini fridge, nakaharap sa dagat and private access sa beach side. He went straight sa sofa at naupo na doon. Nag order ako ng food for our late lunch, and while waiting for it, sinabihan ko siya na mag freshen up muna para ma relax siya. Forgot to mention, may jacuzzi sa restroom. Lumabas ako ng room dala lahat ng gamit ko, buti nalang may laundry area sila and nilabhan ko na yung mga binili kong damit.
Pagbalik ko sa room, I saw him na busy ulit sa phone niya. Medyo nalungkot ako sa sight na yun. Dati dati, I know busy siya sa phone niya dahil ka text niya ako. I brushed off the idea, and napansin kong naka prepare na pala yung food na inorder ko. Kumain nalang kami, and after eating, nauna na siyang mag shower. I was busy browsing channels on tv nung lumabas siya and oh boy, what a wonderful sight to see. Naka board shorts lang siya, topless to which in full mode display ang abs niya, toned arms and chest. Parang ang sarap magpayakap sa kanya at magpabuhat. Naka tingin lang siya sa akin, and said that I can take the shower. Dumiretso nalang siya sa sliding door, lumabas sa veranda ng room at naupo doon. Naisip ko, we can still stroll doon sa beach side if ever since it was already past five in the afternoon. I was struggling to choose which bikini set I should wear at that time. I chose a white triangle chiffon top and white side tie bikini, then put on a white satin see through cover over my waist. It was his turn to be astounded when he saw me. I smiled seeing his reaction.
“Yan ba yung binili mo kanina? Looks great on you.” compliment nito sa akin, at umikot pa ako at nag pose.
“Why, thank you! Am I sexy in this outfit?“
“You bet. For sure, maraming leeg ang iikot pag dumaan ka.” I’m not sure about this answer of his, flat tone, parang poker face tone.
Tumayo na siya sa kinauupuan niya at nag lakad na kami palabas sa veranda. May distance between us at eto nanaman yung awkwardness. Di ko alam if kung bang ayaw niya ma associate sa akin, or he was just being careful. What I did nalang was to walk on his right side pero meron kaming arm length distance. Hindi talaga siya dumikit sa akin, and we were just silent while walking. Habang naglalakad kami, Liam was right, lots of guy were looking at me pero deadma lang ako. May ilan na sumusunod pa sa amin, but they made sure na they kept distance, para hindi halata. Meron ding mga kababaihan na hangang hanga kay Liam, it’s as if they were ready to throw their body on him. Medyo nairita ako with the site but he seems to care less with the attention he was getting. Di rin ako nakatiis, at inakbayan ko ang braso niya as if telling them that he is mine, kahit hindi naman talaga.
He was surprised by my action, but nonetheless, he just smiled and held my hand. Feeling ko nun ang pula pula ko sa hiya at sa kilig, I can even hear my heartbeat. Naglakad lakad pa kami until we decided to return to our resort. Dumaan muna kami sa resort bar and resto section to check their food, and mukhang okay naman, nag decide na kaming doon nalang kumain. The selections were great, may local, Filipino, American and European dishes. After eating, we went to their infinity pool, and swerte walang tao since may live band sa bar ng resort, so most of the guests ay andoon.
We took some drinks with us, and pagdating sa pool side, I removed my cover na. I was about to dip na sa pool when I slid, and to my surprise, nasalo ako agad ni Liam. I am face to face with him. Our lips were just a few centimeters apart, our eyes were locked. I felt na nanlambot ang mga tuhod ko that time, nawalan ako ng lakas.
“Be careful Lanz, maya ma injure ka pa.” inalalayan niya akong makatayo at napakapit nalang ako sa balikat niya.
He held me pababa sa infinity pool, pero nadulas siya at napayakap nalang ako sa kanya sa pagkabigla. Pag ahon ko, my back was on the wall, water was just right under my breast. Ang hindi ko kinaya ay nung namalayan ko na he was already in front of me, his arms were on the pool side, at naka kulong ako sa kanya. I don’t know what happened then, kung sino ang nauna, but I found myself holding his cheeks and kissing him.
We were kissing.
Torridly.
God knows how much I miss him, hindi na ako nagpigil pa. Todo halik kung halik talaga. I caressed his cheeks papunta sa batok niya at nasasabunutan ko pa siya.
“Mmmmmmm hhhhmmmmpppp” I moaned when he tried to suck my tongue that time. Wala akong ibang iniisip that time, but him.
After some time of kissing, bumitaw na din kami to grasp some air. He leaned his forehead to mine, at pareho kaming hinihingal. Napapikit nalang ako that time and can’t see his face reaction. Or I was just too afraid to see it for myself. Naramdaman ko nalang na hinaplos niya ang kaliwang pisngi ko with his thumb. I felt his kiss on my forehead, and hinayaan ko lang siya. I want him to hug me at that time. I was praying that he will.
“Lanz..” ang tawag niya sakin nang iangat niya ang baba ko. Idinilat ko din ang mga mata ko. I locked my eyes with him, parang nag uusap ang mga mata namin.
“Hhhmmmpppphhhhh” ungol ko nang sinimulan niya akong halikan muli. Nung una ay banayad lang mga halik niya sa akin, but for me, nadadala na ako sa mga halik niya.
Our tongues started to entangle again when he entered his tongue in my mouth. Sinalubong agad ng dila ko ang dila niya, sinipsip ko ito din. My hands slid to his chest to rest on it, while his hands cupped my waist. I felt hot by his touches kahit na nasa ilalim ng tubig iyon.
“Aahhh ha ha ha ha” we were chasing our breaths when we stopped kissing. Timing na bumukas ang ilaw sa pool side at may mga bata akong narinig sa area.