“Hey, what’s up? Did anything happen?” ang tanong niya sa akin. Nagkunot pa ako ng noo at todo pout to let him know na I am not okay. At tumawa tawa pa ito, na nakatingin sa akin, until he raised his hands to let me know na may bitbit siya.
“Nagpa deliver ako from McDo. Gusto ko kasi ng burger. I bought you your double cheese burger as well. With no pickles. I bought you some clothes na din. Well technically, they were just cover ups, mukha nga lang fish net.” ang natatawa tawa pa nitong sabi. Eto yung isa pa sa nagustuhan ko sa kanya, very attentive siya sa mga maliliit na bagay. When you tell him something, he will remember it.
I let myself loose from him and napaupo ako sa kama to check the cover ups he was telling. It was the perfect cover that I needed for the beach. I took out the burger, and I felt that I was super hungry na din. He was just staring at me, at nagtaka naman ako. Napataas lang ang isang kilay ko sa kanya which he answered with a smile. Napababa ang kilay ko, para akong natunaw sa titig niya. Iniiwas ko nalang ang tingin ko sa kanya and continued eating my burger. He also started eating his burger, while browsing some channels on the TV.
“Do you have any plans for the day?” ang tanong niya sa akin.
“Um, gusto ko sanang pumunta sa ancestral house sa capitol. But having second thoughts din.”
“Why? We can drive. Para na din makabili tayo ng spare clothes.”
“Can we just buy clothes nalang then get back here? Or do you have any other plans?” ang sabi ko sa kanya. Medyo natagalan siya sa pagsagot. I just continued eating my burger then.
“Nah, I don’t have naman. Okay, let’s drive to the capitol in an hour.”
After eating my burger, I hit the shower. When I was removing my robe, andami kong red marks sa breast ko. Sa ibabaw, gilid, even my under boobies. I also checked my pussy lips and inner thigh, it was still swollen but subsiding, pero tadtad din ng red marks ang inner thigh ko. I tried replaying in my head what happened the previous night. I giggled, kilig na kilig ang inday. Para akong kinikilti na ewan. I made sure that I properly bath, kasi may mga lagkit lagkit pa sa katawan ko. I am not sure if natuyong laway ba yun.
We were in the capitol ng saktong lunch time. Nag lunch muna kami sa isang restaurant doon na part ng isang hotel. After eating, we went straight to a small mall there, but the selection of clothes there was good. Noong highschool ako, doon ako namimili ng damit ko din and they were really nice. I chose khaki short shorts and denim short shorts. Kumuha din ako ng fitted jeans na isa. I took one white and black crop top, one fitted polo shirt and one sunny dress na medyo maikli. Siya naman ay kumuha lang ng isang shorts, one set of boxer underwear, isang jeans, at dalawang polo short.
After we finished shopping, he asked me if there’s anything I wanted to go to. I asked him if we could go to the Paoay church. I offered na ako nalang ang mag drive, since he might be tired, and ayoko din siyang mapagod talaga. It was settled and we drove to Paoay. I took pictures of the church and secretly took some shots of him. Sa kanya ako natuto din photography, it’s one of his hobbies. Nang mapagod na kami sa pag ikot ikot sa vicinity, I bought our drinks. Naupo kami sa hood ng kotse, and just looked at the church.
“How long was this church standing again?” ang tanong niya.
“Uhm, I think almost or atleast three hundred years?”
“It is still so magnificent. It was able to maintain its grandeur.” napatingin ako sa kanya sa sagot niya. Nagkibit balikat nalang ako at muling tinitigan ang church.
“Ahuh. It has withstood calamities, war and..time. If it is written as literature, it will be magnificent, a tale as old as time.”
It was his turn to look at me. Napatingin ako sa kanya nang hindi niya na ako sinagot. Di ko alam kung ano ang tumatakbo sa isip niya that time. Napayuko nalang ako para ayusin ang buhok ko sa gilid ng tenga ko. When I looked at him again, nakatingin parin ito sa akin at nakangiti.
“What?” tanong ko sa kanya.
“Nothing…”
“What’s with the smile?”
“You are in your element.” di ko alam kung mapapahiya ba ako or what sa sinabi niya.
We stayed for another half hour just staring and taking pictures of the church. Meron din akong mga picture niya, puro stolen shot. When I looked at it, napapangiti ako, it was as if he was the Liam that I met from Boracay. It was five in the afternoon when we decided to drive back to Pagudpud, at ako na din ang nag drive. Dumiretso na kami sa resto ng hotel to take our dinner, then we decided to walk sa beach front. The shore line was crowded because of several bonfires. Dumiretso na kami sa room namin after taking a bottle of champagne and wine sa bar ng hotel. Nauna na akong nag shower, and followed by him pagkalabas ko.
I opened the sliding door to be greeted by a cold night breeze from the sea and it felt good. I opened the bottle of champagne and poured some in my glass at saka naupo. Maya maya pa ay lumabas na din si Liam sa shower room.
“Drinking alone eh?”
“Join me.”
Kumuha ito ng glass niya at nagsalin ng wine. Walang umiimik sa aming dalawa that time, or siguro wala lang gustong maunang magsalita. Sa peripheral vision ko, I saw him tinkering with his phone. Andun nanaman yung bitter taste feeling na di ko ma explain.
“Anything bothering you?” ang tanong niya sa akin at saka binaba ang phone niya sa table.
“Huh? Wala naman.” ang sagot ko nalang sa kanya pero di ko siya tinitignan.
Another dead silence.
I thought to myself, it was time that I should talk about ourselves. Yes, I want him back that time, that is if pwede pa. If may chance pa ba, the only way for me to confirm it is to confront him. I mustered all of my courage to open up the discussion. Bahala na kung ano ang kahinatnan. I was willing to gamble that time, all in. Babalik na din ako ng US, willing ako that time to take necessary actions for him para hindi na kami magkawalay pa at di na maulit yung nangyari. I learned my lessons. I really fell hard for him.
“Liam…”
“Hm? Ano yun?”
“Do you think, if I told you about my plans before, would you still pursue me?” napatingin siya sa akin with confused look.
“I just want to know. Lagi ko din kasi tinatanong yun sa sarili ko and syempre, wala naman sasagot sa akin, and I don’t know what’s the answer to it.” ang sabi ko sa kanya. He looked at me as if saying, are you serious?
“Kung di ka naman comfortable sagutin, nevermind. Forget what I asked.” I felt that hindi ko pa inuumpisahan yung battle, talo na agad ako. And should have chosen a battle that I know I can win, but for me then, it was now or never.
“Tulad nga ng sabi ko sayo kagabi, selfish din ako. If nalaman ko yun noon palang, I would not pursue you.”
“BUT… if you have told me na nung tayo na, di ko din alam ang sagot. I may pursue you to the end, pero alam ko na may mga hurdles tayong pagdadaanan. Like, we’d be in an LDR situation. Which I think, it may or may not work sa atin and pwedeng maghihiwalay lang din tayo.” I let him continue talking that time.
“Kaya ko nasabi na hindi mag work, is because we both know na may pagka clingy tayo, but only if nagmature tayo agad agad, I might work pero wala ring guarantee.”
“Why do you ask?” ang balik na tanong niya sa akin. I was weighing in sa mga sinabi niya that time, and at some point it really makes sense din naman at bata pa kami noon.
“I asked because, syempre I want to know if it will make any difference to our situation then and now.”
“…and? Do you think it will make any difference?” napa tingin ako sa champagne ko, asking myself the same question.
“To answer you honestly, hindi ko alam.”
“Exactly. What you have right now are “what ifs” because you feel regret. If we remove regrets from the equation, will you still have “what ifs”?”
“Yes. What if I told you everything and whether we understood the situation or not, then maybe we would have pursued a different path than what we had.” I am willing to show all my cards, all in na. Bahala na kung ano ang result. Nakita ko din na medyo nagulat siya sa sagot ko. I saw him clench his teeth. Nagpipigil siya that time and there was silence after.
“You said last night, you loved me. Don’t you anymore, Liam?” instantly, I was taken aback. Shit, wrong move, I thought. Pero wala nang atrasan to, I want to fight this time and I will.
“Lanz…”
“It’s okay if hindi na. To be honest, I am hoping that you still do.. But I fully understand the situation and where I should be.”
He did not answer back.
Long silence.
Shit.
Shit.
Shit.
Naiiyak na ako that time, kaya tinungga ko yung champagne sa baso ko at nagsalin ulit ng isa pa. This time, I let my tears flow at napayakap ako sa sarili ko. I did not pity myself, medyo masakit lang yung feeling ng defeat. Tumalikod ako sa kanya at humarap sa dagat, so he would not see me crying. I still have my pride and ayokong maramdaman niya na as if ako pa yung victim. I don’t want him to pity me in that state.
“Lanz…” naramdaman kong nasa likod ko na siya. Hindi ako humarap sa kanya, instead napapikit pa ako ng mariin. I felt rejected.
“When you left saying nothing, I was a wreck. Thinking kung ano ba yung nagawa ko sayo na hindi mo nagustuhan at hindi ka na nagparamdam.” lalo akong napaiyak when I heard that. Nasaktan talaga ako.
“I shifted my attention to studying lang. I needed that to keep me sane at hindi ko pagdudahan ang sarili ko at capacity ko.”
“A year ago, dun palang ako nag start na maging okay. Kuya Dan helped me to get some freelance jobs as a real estate consultant while I am studying. I found out na may talent pala ako sa sales, and it only took me 2 months para maka benta ng property.”
“That time, nagkaroon ako ng client who was looking a condominium that time. Her name is Ari. We became good friends after we closed the deal. Six months ago, we started going out, pero occasional lang. We don’t know yet kung ano ang deal namin, but safe to say that we are still friends.”
“Yes, I did say I loved you, but that doesn’t mean that I am in love with someone else. Yet.”
“I am not sure if I still love you right now or hindi na. When I saw you the other day, all the pain, bumalik lahat sa akin.” his voice was shaking. Lalo akong nanlumo that time, compared to what I went through, is incomparable with him.
Humarap na ako sa kanya that time to see him crying. I immediately hugged him, and said sorry continuously. Kung may makakakita sa amin that time, they would think we were filming. Mala Popoy at Basha kami. I really asked heaven, na sana, kami nalang ulit. That night, realizations hit me harder, sinayang ko siya. We could have worked our differences. We could have strived hard to maintain our relationship. I could have chosen him too back then. But I did not.
We stayed outside for hours that night. In silence. He leaned his head on my shoulder, while we both stared at the sea, listening to the waves. We were not checking the time, I didn’t care at all that time. I could spend all my time, basta magkasama kami.
“Lanz…” ang putol niya sa katahimikan.
“Hmm?”
“Did you really think na we could have taken a different route and we can strive the odds?” medyo nabuhayan ako sa tanong niya na yun.
“Yes, I think so.” sagot ko sa kanya. I heard…