We were cruising EDSA, pero wala padin ang nagsasalita sa aming dalawa. It was just the radio.
Every night you cry yourself to sleep.
Thinking: “Why does this happen to me?
Why does every moment have to be so hard?”
Hard to believe that
It’s not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won’t go home without you
“By any chance, are you busy this week or in the coming days?” ang tanong niya sakin. We were already in Megamall when she tried building up a conversation with me.
“Hindi naman.” sagot ko sa kanya. And there was silence again.
“Can we drive straight to the north?” ang tanong niya sa akin.
What?
What was that again?
Buti nalang talaga naka seatbelt kami, napa brake talaga ako sa sinabi niya. Why on earth would she ask me that, na parang walang nangyari sa amin. Tumigil ako saglit sa bandang Edsa Revolution Shrine to make things clear with her.
“I’m sorry, are you okay?” ang tanong ko sa kanya, dahil napasubsob din talaga siya sa sudden braking ko.
“I’m okay, I’m fine. I should be the one apologizing for saying something like that out of nowhere.”
“I was planning to go to Ilocos. And gusto ko talagang makasama ka, like overnight or two lang. That is if syempre kung okay lang sayo.” ang sabi pa niya.
Wala naman na akong ipangdadahilan sa kanya dahil sinabi ko nang hindi ako busy for the week. I just took my phone, sent a message to my boss, sa bahay at kay Ari. I don’t know why I am informing Ari about my whereabouts, and about Lanz, pero nagsabi padin ako. Si Ari lang ang sumagot and told me na I should go with Lanz. Chance ko na daw yun to settle what needs to be settled. Nag start na ako ulit mag drive, wala na din namang bukas na mga mall para maka withdraw at mamili ng mga gamit.
“Mag withdraw nalang tayo along the way. Pag may nadaanan tayong mall bukas na bukas na, saka tayo mamili ng gamit.” ang sabi ko kay Lanz.
“O-okay, sure. Sorry ulit sa biglaang decision.”
“It’s okay.”
Dumaan muna kami sa isang gas station along the expressway para bumili ng essentials at makapag kape na din. I tried asking questions sa kanya, pero as much as possible, I don’t want to talk about us. Yet.
Lumaon pa, I saw her sleeping na. Itinabi ko ang sasakyan at dahan dahan kong inihiga ang passenger side seat, upang makahiga siya kahit papaano. I looked at her, and she is still beautiful. I almost got caught in trance while looking at her, until I realized we needed to drive again. Madilim pa ng makarating kami ng La Union, nag stop ako sa isang resort so I can get some sleep. Nagising ako nang masilaw na ako sa araw, lumabas na ako para makapag stretching saka ko siya ginising so we can get our breakfast.
We drove again after our breakfast at huminto kami ulit sa isang resort na nagbebenta ng mga swimwear. For sure, mag beach kami pag dating ng Ilocos. Memories came running down my lane, nung mga panahon na nag road trip kami at nag beach. Past lunch time nang dumating kami ng Ilocos.
“Do you have any specific plans here ba?” ang tanong ko sa kanya.
“N-not really.. Any suggestions?” ang balik na tanong nito sa akin.
“Let’s go sa Pagudpud.”
“A-are you sure? Malayo pa tayo..”
“Ilocos with you will never be completed without Pagudpud.” ang sagot ko sa kanya. I don’t know if I was imagining that time, pero namula siya kaya mabilis na nag iwas ng tingin nito sa akin.
Once we arrived sa isang resort sa Pagudpud, Lanz immediately took care everything na. I offered to give my share for the resort pero tinanggihan niya lang ako. I sat down sa lounge area to check my phone, made updates sa mga possible client ko at sa boss ko. Maya maya ay lumapit si Lanz sa akin.
“Are you okay na sa iisang room lang tayo? May mag out naman daw bukas pero not sure if mag extend pa ba yung guest or not.” wala naman na akong magawa, although that was not I was expecting that time, ex lovers sa iisang room. How nostalgic.
“Sure, if that is fine with you.”
It was an executive room, and it was good, may jacuzzi, the room has its own veranda with private access papunta sa beach. And the bed is huge for the two of us, kasya kahit apat na tao. She ordered our food and asked me to freshen up dahil galing kami sa byahe. She brought her clothes na binili niya kanina para malabhan niya sa laundry area ng resort.
She was out for almost two hours and I had nothing to do sa room. I prepared the food she ordered para pag dating niya, kakain nalang kami. After eating, I took my shower first, at nung lumabas ako, napatingin siya sa akin at napatulala. It’s as if first time niya akong makitang topless, but maybe because of the changes. Nag gym ako as per recommendation na din ng pinsan niya, so that I can look mature kasi nga rumaraket ako sa real estate. Tinuloy ko nalang ang pagpupunas ng basang buhok ko at sinabihan ko siyang maligo na din. It took her forever bago siya lumabas sa shower room, and it was my turn to be stunned. Mas lalo pa siyang sumeksi, I mean, she already have a beautiful figure before, pero that time, mas lalo pang nagkaroon ng tone and curve ang katawan niya, and her bikini, she looks a goddess sa white bikini niya.
“Yan ba yung binili mo kanina? Looks great on you.” ang sabi ko sa kanya.
“Why, thank you! Am I sexy in this outfit?” ang sagot niya at saka siya umikot at nag pose.
Damn this woman, accentuated pa lalo ang balakang niya, for sure pagtitinginan siya sa labas mamaya. Her cover doesn’t help at all. Gusto ko siyang pagsuutin ng shorts.
“You bet. For sure, maraming leeg ang iikot pag dumaan ka.” ang sagot ko nalang sa kanya without feeling so much enthusiasm.
We walked out through the veranda dahil may personal access ito papunta sa beach front. I kept my distance from her. Una, we are no longer boyfriend and girlfriend, hindi sa ayokong ma associate sa kanya but there is nothing for me kung may gustong makipag mingle sa kanya. She’s free to do so. She walked to my right side and neither of us were talking habang naglalakad kami sa dalampasigan. True to what I have thought, there were lots of guys ang halos magkandabali ang leeg sa katitingin sa kanya. Nakakairita, and yet I reminded myself na hindi na kami so I kept on distancing myself from her.
I was shocked when she grabbed my right arm at yakapin niya yun, napatingin nalang ako sa kanya, and I know that time, I am not imagining, her face is red, kaya yumuko na lamang siya at pinagpatuloy namin ang paglalakad. In that case, I held her hand nalang to reassure her that it was okay. That time, I knew to myself, I missed her so much that I wanted to hug her right there and then, at the same time, it was a mixed emotion for me, I’m happy yet sad. After an hour or so of strolling, we decided to get back sa resort and we headed straight to their restaurant which I was surprised that they have a very good selection on their menu.
After taking our dinner, we took some drinks at nagpunta kami sa pool area nila. Meron daw silang infinity pool, in which Lanz was so delighted. After reaching the pool, Paupo na sana ako sa pool bench when she removed her cover, it was as if my first time to see her body, akala ko tutulo pa laway ko sa ganda niya. Nang mapaatras siya ay bigla siyang nadulas, mabuti nalang talaga at malapit na malapit lang ako sa kanya. I immediately grabbed her arm and pulled her towards me. Our faces were just centimeters apart, and I badly wanted to kiss her moist thin reddish lips. Hindi pa nakatulong na may nabuhay sa katawan ko. Fuck.
“Be careful Lanz, maya ma injure ka pa.” yun nalang ang nasabi ko sa kanya bago ko siya itayo ng dahan dahan.
Inalalayan ko nalang siiya pababa nang pool when another accident happened. I slipped at nahulog kami ng sabay sa pool. Mabilis akong nakaahon sa tubig at napasandal ang dalawang kamay ko pool side, and to my suprise, umahon si Lanz just right inside my arms, and for the second time that day, we were facing each other with just a few centimeters apart.
Tangina talaga.
That time, I did not hold myself back, I badly wanted her. I wanted to feel her warmth again. I leaned my face towards her, and pressed my lips to hers. I started with a supple bite on her upper lip then on her lower lip. I did it a couple more times before I transitioned to a more intimate kiss. She held my cheeks and she answered me with a torrid kiss. I know those kisses, and it used to belong to me.
I didn’t care about the surroundings that time, all I wanted was her, all to myself. I grabbed her waist and embraced her. I even hold her nape so we can kiss more.
“Mmmmmmm hhhhmmmmpppp” I heard her moan when I started to suck her tongue.
Then there was that mix of emotions again. We were panting when we stopped kissing. I leaned my forehead to hers, and in an instant, all of our sweet memories came rushing in my head. It was a good thing she cannot see my face that time, else, she’d see confusion in my eyes. I just kissed her forehead, at naisip ko bahala na.
“Lanz…” ang bulong ko sa kanya habang tinataas ko ang baba niya. I locked eyes with her. It was as if she’s telling me that she was longing for me, or was it just my imagination at that time. Nonetheless, we started kissing again.
I tried sucking her tongue again but that time, she responded well, she let me do it and after a few kisses it was her turn to suck my tongue. I don’t know how long we were kissing there, sakto naman na nung magstop kami kami ay biglang bumukas ang ilaw.
“Fuck” yun nalang ang nasabi ko sa sarili ko. Oo, nabitin ako sa halikan namin, and I knew to myself that I am starting to lose myself to her spell. A spell that she could have used to me at hindi kami umabot sa ganoong situation.
Naglublob pa siya sa tubig saglit before she asked na bumalik na kami sa room namin. Pagdating namin sa room, pinauna ko na siyang mag shower. I called the restaurant para mag order ng kaunting makakain at drinks. Medyo matagal talaga siyang mag shower, even before. Lagi siyang may seremonyas. At nang lumabas siya, sakto naman na naglilipat ako ng channel nang mahagip ng reflection niya sa tv, and goodness nakakapang init siya ng laman, naka bikini nanaman siya. Wala nga pala kaming ibang damit. Ayoko siyang tignan, baka di ko mapigilan ang sarili ko.
“What are you watching?” ang tanong niya sa akin at tuloy lang ako sa pag browse ng mga channel, and through the reflection I could see her standing just right behind me.
“Nothing in particular. Are you done?” ang tanging naisagot ko nalang sa kanya. Pagtayo ko, saktong paglingon ko ay papatalikod na siya, and I just looked at her, at dahil sa bitin ko kanina sa pool side, napabuntong hininga nalang ako.
“I ordered some food and drinks. Paki tignan nalang if di pa ako nakakalabas ng shower.” ang sabi ko sa kanya bago ako dumiretso sa banyo, and I made sure that I could touch her uber exposed legs.
I immediately opened the shower and chose the cold shower, else, baka hindi mawala ang init sa katawan ko. Damn that woman, she really knows how to make me fall for her. While in the shower, narinig ko nalang ang pagsigaw niya na dumating na daw ang inorder ko. I just said okay and I will be there in a few minutes. Remembering na wala kaming ibang damit, I chose nalang yung binili kong boxer shorts and white T. Paglabas ko, she gave me again the same reaction from earlier at napangiti nalang ako sa kanya. I checked the order and asked her if she could join me sa veranda to drink. That was my time to ask her what I have been keeping inside me for two years at hindi ko palalampasin ang pagkakataon na yun.
“Alam ko napapansin mo, I am being unpredictable with my actions and hindi ako nag tatanong sayo.” ang sabi ko sa kanya while asking her to seat down. I have to check my emotions as well that time so that I will not give inappropriate emotions.
“More like of, hindi rin ako ready sa mga isasagot mo. Eto na yung chance ko na mag ask ng mga questions sayo about what happened.”
“Liam, first of all, I wanna say I’m really sorry. I’m sorry I betrayed you. I’m sorry I have caused you pain. I’m sorry, for being a coward.” ang sagot niya sa akin. I felt she was so sincere that time.
“Why?”
“I… I… I really don’t know how to explain it to you at that time. That is the only thing that I have never been honest with you about.”
“It was a long standing plan na about my petition, before I met you. My papers were already in progress when I met you.”
“Why didn’t you tell me about it?”
“Because.. It’s because I never knew I would be deeply in love with you at that time. I was wrong, kasi I fell hard for you. I am afraid of what may happen to us, to me. I became a coward to fight for what was in front of me. I became so selfish.”
I was gauging my emotions back then. Hindi ako sumagot.
Silence.
Hindi ko alam kung ano ang mararamdaman ko at that time. It was as if all pain resurfaced but I should still keep my composure.
“Do you know how much I loved you Lanz? Was it not that great for you?” ang hindi ko napigilang itanong ko sa kanya.
“I love you, Liam!” ang pasigaw niyang sagot sa akin. Nabigla ako at napalingon ako sa kanya at nakita ko siyang umiiyak na. Hindi ako naaawa sa kanya that time, pero hindi ko kinayang magalit sa kanya. Gusto ko lang maintindihan lahat.
Hindi ko rin alam pero I felt her warmth again, simula nung makita ko siya sa get together. It was as if I am home again. Earlier, sa beach side, sa pool, wala akong galit na maramdaman sa kanya. Even sa kotse, nang bumibyahe kami, I’d look at her from time to time, pero wala talaga, it’s as if, finally I am with her again.
Mahal ko padin talaga siya that time.
And I came to realize that time, she needed to make a decision and that decision really changed our lives. I knew to myself how greedy a person I was. Should she told me everything up front, baka pinili ko na agad putulin ang anumang c…