“Miss…” you stopped. “May I please know who you are?”
Ako naman ang napatigil sa ginagawa ko. You sound so sad.You already planned this night. Get him to this hotel. Make love to him. Leave him. Forget about everything.
Chapter 4
Two years have passed, nothing has changed between us. I feel guilty about it from time to time especially when we’re together.
I guess I got away with what I did.
Kung alam mo lang kung gaano ko gustong aminin sa’yo lahat. Pero lahat ng tao may weakness. Mine just happened to be low self-esteem and anxiety. I wonder if things would have turned out differently if I just got my mother’s level of confidence and not my dad’s. Nagcecelebrate na kaya tayo ng anniversary ngayon o di kaya baka hindi na tayo magkaibigan dahil hindi tayo nagkatuluyan?
We both got in and out of different relationships since that night.
Nakakatawa lang no? I’m in love with you yet I had a hard time telling you how I feel. But the guys I had been with? I loved them too yet I was able to tell them that I do.
I thought giving myself a chance to fall for someone else is the key to forgetting you but I’m wrong. I accepted my fate anyway. I’m just someone who doesn’t have the balls to tell their feelings to someone they are in love with just because of fear rejection. But who isn’t afraid of that?
Napatingin ako sa bonefire na nasa harapan ko. I can still remember ‘our’ night. How the hell was I able to pull that off? Only God knows how.
“C’mon guys! Tayo, tayo, tayo!” Sinunod ko ang utos ng nagsasalita at ganon din ikaw. “These drinks are for our dear friends right here,” one of our mutual friends pointed at you and me.
Actually, he is your friend.
The people with us now are your friends who also became my friends. You were so stubborn that you did not give up on breaking my walls and pulling me out of my comfort zone. Freshmen year, I was alone. Five years later, I’ve got bunch of people I can depend on.
Just like what you did to me before, you have changed me in different ways and in so many levels even if we are just friends.
“…for passing the board exam!” Nagpalakpakan at naghiyawan ang mga tao sa paligid natin.
“At hindi lang yan.” Our friend continued. “Alam kong alam na nating lahat ito pero gusto ko lang pasalamatan ang dahilan kung bakit tayo nandito sa napakagandang islang ito ngayon nang walang kahit na anong gastos. Thank you for bringing us here in your island. And of course…”
Nagulat ako nang bigla mong hinawakan ang kaliwang kamay ko gamit ang kanan mo. It’s not just a simple touch. For a second or two, your hand intertwined with mine. Napatingin ako sa’yo pero hindi ka nakatingin sa akin. Although I felt your thumb caressing my skin.
“Let’s congratulate her for being one of the top ten board passers! Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!”
Kasabay no’n ang pagtaas mo ng kamay ko sa ere at ang pagwawala ng mga tao sa paligid natin.
“Para kang sira.” Natawa na lang ako sa ginawa mo. “Lasing ka na no?”
Nginitian mo lang ako na parang batang nang-aasar.
You have always changed me for the better. And that makes you an inspiration. Gosh. Nahawa na ako sa kakornihan mo.
After a one hellish year of preparation for the board exam, ngayon lang tayo uli makakapagsaya nang ganito. Ngayon na lang uli tayo makakapaglasing. Wala naman sigurong masama kung kakalimutan ko muna ang lahat ngayon.
I just need peace of mind and silently enjoy the night with you.
“Since minsan lang tayo magkasama-sama ng ganito, why don’t we have some ‘real talk’?” A friend of ours suggested.
She isn’t pinpointing anyone specifically but I can feel my heartbeat getting faster. Calm down. Calm down.
“We have been friends for five years na no?” she added. “And even if we are a small group, kahit pito lang tayo, I’m glad we all met.”
“Yeahhhh.” You answered happily and shouted, “Shot!”
We followed your lead.
A lot of what-nots about our college lives were reminisced and I realized that I love you all so much – you more than the others – but I do love everyone in here for giving me the best days of my college life. I love the way we all laugh together from day zero up until now.
“Ehem. Ehem. Pero naiintriga lang ako. May dalawang tao talaga na nakakalito ang relasyon e.” Another one of our girl friends started while she’s looking simultaneously from me and you. “Alam niyo, kayong dalawa yung laging nawawala kapag may inuman tayo sa Manila.”
“Tama! Tama!” another one agreed while laughing. “Malingat lang ako saglit then mapapa ‘where the fvck did those two go again?'”
Magkatapat tayo ngayon dahil nagkalipatan ng pwesto kanina. Okay lang sa akin. Better. Kasi nakikita ko ang mukha mo. You were giving your speech with a sense of accomplishment. It’s fake ‘kayabangan’ if you ask me to describe it. Just for the laughs, you pretend to be boastful from time to time.
“Well,” you started. “Kami ni…” I feel happy and giddy whenever you mention my name. “…we have the same level of maturity when it comes to ‘inuman’. Kaya kami nawawala niyan dahil alam namin ang limit namin sa alak. Kapag hindi na naming kaya, umaalis muna kami. Pa-chill muna kesa basag.” You explained it too well.
Although, you missed one thing. I just follow you around kaya nakuha ko ang ganung personality. I notice that you always volunteer to buy additional chips, ice, beer or other things whenever you don’t want to drink anymore. But you’re not the type of person who ‘escapes’ us. You just want to take a breather and then come back to us and join us again. Kasi alam ko, deep inside, you want to be the last man standing to protect all of us. Ikaw ang laging taga-hatid ng mga hindi na kayang umuwi. Ikaw lagi. You always make sure we are all okay before you go home. So I just decided to go with you whenever you feel like you need to rest. We often walk together and go to 7/11 para mahimasmasan. Food trip na din minsan. I treasure those moments with you.
Parang sasabog ang puso ko dahil narererealize ko na naman kung gaano ako tinamaan sa’yo. I feel so much for you that it hurts.
“I couldn’t have explained it better.” I smiled while looking at you.
“So may mutual understanding?”
“She is…” you looked at me intently then smiled genuinely. I don’t what it means or even if it means something. Ayokong umasa. Ayoko. “BBF ko yan.”
“Putang-ina pre, ano yung BBF?” mura ng kabarkada natin habang tinitingnan ka nang masama. “BlackBerry Friends?”
“Best Friend Forever.”, napakamot ka ng ulo.
“BFF yun! Learn your fucking alphabet, pre. Bwiset ka. Laughtrip tong gagong to.”
We all laughed our ass out together because of your mistake.
“Pero seryoso nga, bestfriend lang talaga?”
And for a minute or two, we looked at each other. There were no pressure. There were no clues if the answer is yes or no. But you know what? There was bliss. Hindi ko din magets ang sarili ko. I just got ‘bestfriend zoned’ by the guy I am in love with, but why in the hell do I feel happy? Maybe because, at least, I know that I am special.
“Oo nga. BBF.” Sabay nating sinagot ang tanong nila.
***
Nagising ako sa tunog ng hampas ng alon sa dalampasigan. Dumilat ako pero madilim. I’m about to rub my eyes when I realized my hands are stuck somewhere.
Fear start…