At work, I was uneasy all day and I felt troubled. Ini-isip ko na anu na ang mangyayari sa amin ng daughter ko. Babalik na ba siya dun sa mom at step-dad niya? Her mom and I agreed that during the school year ay sa akin siya mag-stay dahil malapit lang ang work ko sa school niya. Kapag vacations and holiday seasons ay dun naman siya sa mommy niya. I thought it was fair with the arrangement since majority of the year ay kasama ko ang anak ko. Meron siyang sariling room sa bahay at may maid at yaya na mag-aasikaso sa kanya.
I had a meeting sa office after lunch at hindi ako makapag-conentrate sa kaka-isip at kaka-worry ko sa nagawa ko kay Elizabeth sa kahapon ng araw na iyon. I kept looking at my phone kung may message siya sa akin. Alam ko na baka hindi niya ako madederetso dahil sa ginawa ko or baka takot or galit siya sa akin. Naguguluhan talaga ako. Any message will be fine sana sa mga oras na iyon upang malaman ko sana kung ano ang nasa-isip niya.
After ng meeting namin ay wala pa din message since morning ang daughter ko. So, I decided to text her and asked how’s her day so far. Pero, wala pa ding reply. I felt sad and angry at myself at the same time. Bakit ko kasi nagawa iyon ang tanong ko sa sarili ko. I thought that it was really inappropriate to suck her breasts. Sa isip ko, ang aking ginawa ay isang pang-panghahalay o pananamantala na kung gawin ko iyon sa ibang tao ay pwedi akong mapakulong. Tapos nagawa ko pa sa anak ko. Malaman ay makukulong din ako kung sakaling isumbong niya ako sa mama niya. Nagui-guilty talaga ako. I am guilty!
Pero naguguilty ba talaga ako? O worry lang ako dahil baka ayaw niya ang ginawa ko? E kung sakaling magustuhan naman niya, gagawin ko ba ulit? I opened some pictures ng anak ko sa phone ko at pinagmasdan ko siya. Enlarged ko yung mukha niya, yung katawan niya, at yung mga hita niya dun sa mga pics na nakashorts lamang siya. Yung guilty ko ay nag-turned into lust na naman. Tinigasan ako habang pinagmamasdan ko ang mga pics ng anak ko.
Later that afternoon in the office, I got startled when I received a text from my daughter telling me that her mother will pick her up later after school and she will stay with her mother the whole weekend. I asked why so suddenly and she texted back that her mom will be throwing a surprise birthday party for her stepdad that weekend. I asked when she will be back. She texted telling me just to pick her up from school on Monday. I felt a little relieved that my daughter was, at least, texting me maski saglit at maikli lang. Pero I’m still concern kasi sa text, I don’t see her demeanor or mood kaya napaparanoid pa din ako.
The following day, Saturday, I kept myself busy. I tried doing some work at home, went to the gym, did some groceries, etc. Come Sunday, I wake up early to ride my bike and spent several hours cycling outside. After my bike ride, I ate a light meal at our favorite family-owned caf, and it was around 11 am when I returned to the house. However, I felt so nervous when I saw my ex-wife’s car parked outside the house. I asked myself kung bakit siya nandoon. Naisip ko na sinumbong ako ng anak ko at malaking gulo ang mangyayari kapag pumasok na ako loob ng bahay. Pero sabi ko, bahala na. Haharapin ko ito since kasalanan ko naman.
Saktong papasok na ako sa gate ay biglang may paparating na mobile police car. Aangkas na sana ako sa bike ko para tumakas (as if hindi ako mahahabol ng mobile) pero tuloy-tuloy yung mobile at mukhang nagkataon na napadaan lang.
Shit! Natotorete ako sa takot.
Ng pagpasok ko sa garage ay lumabas bigla ang ex-wife ko.
“O kumusta ang bike ride mo?”
“Ha, anong bike ride?” sabi ko naman na may pangamba sa aking salita.
“Ayan o, hilahila mo yung bike mo at nakahelmet ka pa.”
“Ah, oo, heto ok lang medyo napagod kase.”
Upon hearing her greetings and small chats, I realized that I’m not in trouble kaya nag-ayos ako ng composure ko.
“Bat’ ka pala nandito? Akala ko may surprise birthday party sa iyo?
“Kahapon pa yon. Nagpahatid na si Liz kasi wala na pala siyang uniform dun sa bahay.”
“A ganun ba. Sana tinext mo ako para naghatid ako ng uniform.”
“Yung nga din ang sabi ko pero, or si kuya Raymond na lang sana ang kukuha ng uniform niya.”
“Sayang bitin ang bonding nila ni Yssa,” dagdag ko pa.
“Ay naku, magdamag silang nag-kwentuhan at 5 am na yata sila natulog.”
“Ah ganun ba?”
“Halos kakagising nga lang nila kani-kanina lang.”
“Buti ang nagpahatid siya kaagad?”
“Uwi na lang daw muna siya dahil may homework pa siyang tatapusin.”
“Kung sabagay. Pero akala ko talaga kase na sa bukas ko na siya susunduin sa school.”
“Heto naka-uwi na ulit sa iyo kaya hatid mu na lang siya bukas school. Kumuha na din ako ng extra-uniforms niya in case dun sa bahay siya mag-spend ng weekends ulit next time.”
After ilang minutes ay natapos na yung usapan namin sa garage ng ex-wife ko. Umalis na siya at pumasok naman ako sa loob. Naisip kong kausapin ang anak ko kaya pumunta ako sa room niya. Nakasara yung pinto ng kwarto at ng aktong kakatok na ako ay napigilan naman ako at umurong.
I realized na wala akong alam na gagawin or kung paano ko ba sisimulan ang usapan namin. I felt sad and helpless, I don’t know how to talk to my daughter about this issue. Well, who does anyway?
The following day, on the way to her school, tahimik pa din siya. Nagtanong tanong ako about dun sa surprise birthday sa mom’s house niya pero halos monosyllabic ang kanyang mga sagot at hindi siya tumitingin sa akin. I felt sorry for what I did and while driving, I felt that my heart was broken because my daughter and I always had a good and loving relationship and that relationship seemed to be ruined. Pagdating sa school, bumaba siya at nag “bye dad” lang siya sa akin.
The whole week has been like that and everything became ordinary. Our usual warm and loving text however were replaced by plain messages such as …
“I’m on my way,”
“Ok” or
“Are you hungry”
“No” or
“How was your day”
“Fine” or
“Do you want me to get you some warm milk”
“Yaya gave me already” etc.
I really missed those days na nakikiss ko siya kapag-hahatid at susunduin ko siya sa school. Somehow, I started to accept the reality and the consequences of what I had done to her. At least, it seemed that she kept everything to herself and did not tell anyone. I hoped we could talk about what happened, but I gave her time and space. Neither did I want to antagonize nor pressure her. But after that whole week, I could not take it any longer so I texted her habang nasa work ako:
Daddy: I’m sorry baby
Elizabeth: It’s OK
D: Are you mad at me?
E: I don’t know…no…!
D: Can we talk?
There was a long pause in her message and I felt so anxious. After about 10 minutes she texted.
E: Ok
D: Can we talk after I pick you up from school?
E: Ok
D: We could eat first?
E: Ok
D: We won’t stay out long I know you have school.
E: It’s Friday dad.
D: Oh, I see, no school tomorrow pala.
E: Yup!
I felt great relief when she called me dad again maski sa text lang.
D: Cge, I’ll see you later after work.
E: Ok.
I picked her up from her school after ng work. We went to the nearby commercial area and chose a place where we often go. The hostess seated us at the corner so we had some more privacy than the other guests, which is fine kase I don’t want other people overhearing my conversation with my daughter. We seated facing each other. We ordered our food and while waiting I initiated our talk.
Daddy: How’s your day?
Pero, diniretcho na niya ako.
Elizabeth: . . .Dad, I’m not mad at you…”
I realized that she knew that we really had to address the “issue” and small talks will not take us anywhere.
D: Ah, ok…pero sorry anak, mali yung ginawa ko sa iyo.
E: I understand naman dad. Sorry at hindi kita kaagad kina-usap. Nahihiya din ako sa iyo.
D: Anak, wag kang mahiya sa akin. Ako yung mali. Diba usapan natin noon na sabihin mo kaagad sa akin kahit…