Until I met my second boyfriend. Totoo pala talaga yun, you’ll just know if that person’s the one. The first time I saw him, alam ko, ayoko nang magpaligaw pa sa iba. That I want him to be my forever. Ganun ako ka-atat sa kanya. At yung pagiging naive ko ang dahilan kung bakit siguro nangyari sa akin ang mga nangyari a decade after.
I love my husband. Walang duda dun. Kaso lang, dahil walang pagkukumparahan pagdating sa kama, just a few years into marriage, hindi ko na ma-appreciate ang mga romance pocketbooks na paborito kong basahin nung mga panahon na yun. I’ve been married for a few years already and yet, I still have to reach that big O I’ve been reading in those stupid pocketbooks.
Hindi ako nagi-enjoy. Even during those times na inuumpisahan naman niya sa foreplay, it used to irk me. Nasasaktan kasi ako pag hinahalikan niya ako sa ibaba. Madalas, yung libog, nauuwi lang sa inis until I just told him not to do it ever again. So hanggang halik-halik na lang sa mga suso, kapa-kapa sa kepz, mga ilang minuto, and then he’ll fuck me. Kaya lang, just as I hate how he eats me, even the way he kisses my boobs feels sloppy. So kapag pinasok na niya ako, tuyo pa halos, and just when the momentum starts to build up, pfft, here comes the raging warrior. Sadly though, the warrior never waited for the damsel to share the ride with him. Ending? I was always left wanting.
Still, it was not a big deal. Inisip ko na lang na overrated ang salitang orgasm and that it happens only in fictional stories. Kahit naiinis din ako minsan pag tamang libog na libog din pero di pa yata aabutin ng ilang minuto ang pagbayo, tapos na, I did not complain. Una, nahihiya ako sabihin sa kanya na parausin naman ako. Secondly, ayoko siyang mapahiya pag sinabi kong hindi ako nakakatapos. I don’t want him to be insecured with his ability in bed.
Pero yung pagpapakamartir ko sa sex, di ko akalaing magbabago dahil sa isang pangyayaring ang sakit pa rin sa puso at pride pag naiisip ko. Ang magaling kong asawa, hindi na nga ako nakakantot nang maayos, ang bwusit, nakuha pa lumandi sa iba. That chapter in my marriage really did a huge damage in my self esteem. Pangit na ba talaga ako? Dahil ba tumaba ako kaya nagkagusto siya sa iba?
For years, those questions remained unanswered. Because I didn’t ask him. I was too insecured that I can’t even start a confrontation with him, afraid he’d confirm my fears.
Fast forward to 2012. I came across an erotic site. Dun ko din natisod ang lalakeng nagpabalik ng tiwala ko sa sarili ko bilang babae.
Koyah made me feel I am beautiful. That I am still desirable. And I felt that my life has just started.
He was expert in bed. Sa kanya ko naranasan lahat ng hindi ko naranasan sa asawa ko. Siya yung nag-alis ng sexual inhibitions ko.
Naaalala ko, there was this one time na naka-check in kami. He was fucking me at the bathroom. Doggie, on all fours, nalulunod ako sa shower at sa sarap nang pagbayo niya. Yung tigas ng titi niya, yung haba, yung laki. The dirty talks. Habang sabay na nilalamas ang mga suso ko. Then he pulled me up. Hila-hila ako pababa sa hagdanan. At dun sa stairs, pinabukaka ako at parang ice cream na kinain. Hindi ko na alam kung pano pa pipigilin ang ungol habang dinidilaan niya ako spread-eagle, nakahawak sa railings, nakapatong ang isang paa sa balikat niya habang sige ang himod at dila sa mga suso ko, pabalik sa clit ko paulit-ulit hanggang nilabasan ako sa bibig niya. And just when I was starting to catch my breath, he rammed me fast and hard and the guttural and animal-like sounds he was making made me feel like I was the sexiest, most beautiful, most desirable woman on earth. Tinitingnan ko siya habang naghahabol ng hininga dahil sa pinaghalong sarap at pagod, habang mabilis na bumabayo at bumubulong na “hon malapit na ako, malapit na ang tamod ko, ang sarap ng puke mo, ang sarap ng puke mo!” at ipupusta ko ang kahuli-hulihang singko sa bulsa ko, yung facial expression niya, his face contorted in such sweet agony brought back my self confidence. Yung guapong yun, legit hunk was filling me with his cum, saying over and over kung gaano ako kasarap.
Siya rin ang nagbigay sa akin ng isang experience na habang buhay ko na sigurong babalik-balikan sa alaala.
Nasa isang beach resort kami. The room he rented was huge. It was part of one big cottage na paikot ang style. May veranda facing the not so distant highway and the walk way to the resort’s entrance. So makikita kami ng mga nasa highway at lalo na nang mga papasok sa resort. Makikita din kami ng mga nasa katabing rooms kung lalabas sila kasi nga paikot yung style ng cottage.
Nilabas niya dun ang binili naming ilang bote ng San Mig Light, a few bags of chips and nuts, and the chocolate-flavored ice cream. Nakaupo ako sa pinaka-ledge nung veranda. Halfway facing the street. Hinila niya ang isang upuan sa tapat ko. Then he asked me to place one of my legs on the arm rest at ang isang leg pa sa ibabaw mismo nung ledge, giving him enough access to my pussy. He gave me a bottle of beer, at habang iniinom ko yun, naramdaman ko ang malamig at malagkit na ice cream sa ibabaw ng pussy ko. Bago pa ako nakakilos, he was lapping at my pussy like crazy. Tangina, napamura ako sa pinaghalo-halong sensation ng mga oras na yun. Yung init ng dila niya as opposed sa lamig ng ice cream, yung takot na baka may makakita sa amin, baka may lumabas sa isa sa mga rooms, baka may mga dumating na guests at matanaw kami, baka may mga sasakyang dumadaan na nakakakita sa ginagawa niya sa akin. And the excitement that there might be someone watching us fuck in broad daylight. The pleasure was so strong that it was the fastest ever that I came. I was almost crying in extreme pleasure. And like what he loved doing, just when I was starting to come back from a shattering release, he fucked me so hard I was almost scared I’d lose my balance and fall off the pond surrounding the cottage. Just a few hard pumps and I saw that wonderful look of pleasure on his face, again while saying repeatedly “ang sarap mo hon, ang sarap ng puke mo, ang sarap mo!”
But the most beautiful about the whole thing is that he would always hug me so tight after the act and say “I love you so much hon.”
Oh those were the days. Sabi nga sa isang kanta, it was lost long ago. But unlike the song, (hilig ko talaga irelate ang kwento ng buhay ko sa kanta), I know it’s not coming back anymore. I can only relive those hot memories in my mind. There are no regrets though. I am sad that it’s over, still, I’m glad it happened. I was in an emotional, ugly mess when he met me. I am still a mess today. But I’d like to think that I am a beautiful mess now. Not even his abrupt leaving can take away the beautiful moments I had with him. Those are mine to keep. #