Matagal na akong tagasubay-bay dito sa FSC. Madami na din akong nabasang kwento at karanasan ng iba. Kaya siguro naisip ko na din na magsulat dito.
Tawagin nyo nalang akong Riyu. Sabihin nalang natin na lumaki ako sa hindi magandang kapaligiran. Pinanganak ako sa Mindanao. Naging saksi na ako ng pait ng kapalaran. Malapit lang kasi bahay namin sa kampo. Kaya bata palang ako nagisnan ko ng alarm clock sa umaga ang putok ng warning shot. Madami na akong nakitang bagay na hindi dapat makita ng isang bata. Na sa sobrang brutal siguro ay hindi makakakain ng maayos ang ibang tao pag nakita nila.
“An enlisted/trained military can have PTSD, imagine what it can do to a child”.
Importante ang parte ng buhay ko na to dahil ito ang dahilan kung bakit ang isang “AKO” lang sana…..ay naging lima.
May ibang karanasan na din naman ako sa babae pero ito lang muna ibabahagi ko.
Nakilala ko sya sa reddit. Nagreply lang ako sa post nya tungkol sa hookup. Gusto ko siyang pigilan. Gusto ko siyang imotivate na hindi dahil nasaktan siya ay gagawa sya ng isang desisyon na pwede nyang pagsisihan sa huli. Tawagin nalang natin siyang AA
Riyu: “Please don’t make rash decisions. Are you really intending to do your first hook up? If this isn’t really something your real personality do, in honor of your real self. Please dont“
AA: “And ano ggawin ko? I need release”
Riyu: “Do you want to try something new? Or ganyan na talaga decision mo? Either way no judgement”
AA: “First hookup to if ever”
Riyu: “Ahhhh so hindi talaga sya self mo. Do you watch the stars? Do you want to go camping”
AA: “nope. need ko ng form of intimacy”
Riyu: “Intimacy or company?”
Aa: “intimacy”
Riyu: “Mahirap nga yan. Strong urge talaga siya. Something na hindi kayang ireason out. To be loved….to be valued”
Aa: “more than that siguro. to be touched. To hear another person”
Riyu: “If that’s what you crave okay lang naman to meet strangers. Pero i can’t guarantee if that’s the only form of intimacy they will reciprocate.
If it’s only for personal talk where you can be angry, cry, curse the world. I can offer my day. If it can save someone from commiting something they might regret in the future. The world is already full of broken people like us, lets not share the same fate as those who descend further, and became lost”
AA: “So consensual, no strings attached sex is for ‘broken’ people?”
Riyu: “No. This is not about sex or anything. Just choices. If this isn’t you then i think you should just see someone on you birthday to just talked to, cry to, someone to hold. But if you want sex talaga as the release and intimacy then go for it lang. Pero why do i have the feeling that this is really not you. That you are not the type that really want sex as form of release. Or maybe I’m just assuming lang. :(“
AA: “siguro. but tbh i really need sex rn”
Riyu: “:(. Okay. I hope you’ll find someone to please you and give you that form of happiness. But if you need someone to talk to, even hold hands with, feel warmth. One call away lang ako hahaha.”
Humingi siya ng picture sakin. Nagbigay din naman siya ng kanya. Blonde ang buhok nya pero dahil matapang ang pagkaitim medjo light brunette na yung kulay. Malalim yung pagkaitim ng mata nya. Kaya sa mukha palang makikita mo na na malungkot talaga siya.
Natuloy yung hook-up nya sa stranger na nakilala niya din sa reddit. Naging magkaibigan naman kami after nun. Kinwento nya pa event ng ginawa nila. Out of respect sa kanya hindi ko nalang isasama sa kwento. Pero natawa ako sa kwento niya na hindi daw siya satisfied.
Nagtatawanan lang kami sa kwento niya. Hangang sa niyaya niya ako magcoffee. Syempre dahil purely platonic friendship lang naman turing ko sa kanya, pumayag ako. Dumating araw na nagkita kami. Simula palang nagkkwentuhan na kami. No judgement sa kwento, basta kwento lang. From past relationships, to careers, to sex life, politics, at iba pa. Hindi rin naman na kami nahiya magusap kasi kami lang tao sa coffee shop nung mga oras na yun. Madami din siyang kinuwento tungkol sa buhay niya. Mga bagay na mas nagpaawa pa sa kanya. Nakangiti siya pero ramdam ko yung kirot. Ramdam ko yung pait.
“We are all but broken cups, some are just so broken to the point that the pieces are no longer glass but sand”.
Nagshare na din ako ng kwento ko. Na minsan sa gabi nananaginip ako na bata ulit ako, na nasa Mindanao ulit ako. Nasa tunnel, madilim at magisa.
Pero ang nakakapagtaka. Wala siyang emosyon sa sinabi ko. Ang isang normal na tao dapat may maramdaman. Pero nakita ko lang sa mata niya, void, empty, tired. May mga part na sabi ko walang tao sa ilalim niya. Walking empty shell.
At eto ang nagtrigger para lumutang ang iba. Ibang parte ng pagkatao ko. Hindi ako nagpadiagnos, hindi rin ako nagpatingin sa specialista. Kaya hindi ko masabi kung gawa lang ba to ng traumatized kong utak tong mga personality kong to.
_________________________
Ako si Yuri, I’m one of the separate personalities of Riyu. I don’t like talking about things na walang merit. I like to keep things short and concise. I am more focused objectively in dealing with patients and even normal life. And not be affected of how things turn out, positive or negative. Although, I like knowing the person I am talking to more, not because I like knowing them, but because I want to use those information in order to assess them, frankly speaking manipulate them. Some say that this is a bad thing. Pero what most people don’t understand is, people like me dont necessarily find satisfaction in torture or pain of others. Yes we see people as sponges, but we are either water or soap. Some want to manipulate others for the sheer pleasure of watching them in pain, others wants the subjects to excel. Me specifically, because I see that the person still have potential.
We talked for a bit while walking out of the cafee.
Yuri: “Do you want to go somewhere else?” I asked her. I stared in her eyes while asking. I smiled and planted something to stir her thoughts while looking at her. Yung dating lungkot lang na mata, biglang nagvibrate. Siguro nagets nya laman ng smile ko. Kahit pa deep inside I’m not particularly happy. The vibrations in her eyes felt like fear, uncertainty, and even siguro excitement.
Aa: “Pwede ba magyosi?”
Yuri: “Sure. Samahan kita.” I looked at her for long. To the point na tumitingin din siya sakin pero nag gigaze away. Nagpaparamdam lang ako ng certain uncomfortableness sa situation, something mysterious. I fixed her hair kasi may abo na dumapo. Pero while doing it I stared sa mata nya ulit. Napatitig naman din naman siya. Dahil feeling ko ayaw nya na umuwi. Niyaya ko siya pumunta somewhere else to talk. Nagpunta kami sa maliit lang na park.
Yuri: “Alam ko reason bakit ka nagkakaganyan. Madami na din ako nakilala na kagaya mo. Often times they either suffer from very traumatic events at an early age. Death, abuse, most commonly rape”
Aa: “hmm…