I’m 30. And virgin. It is a little girl’s dream to only do the sex act when she is already married to the man she truly loves. But I’m not a little girl anymore. Some of my friends are already married. Sex jokes and other dirty thoughts are inevitable for me to hear from the people I work with. I even tried touching myself down there to comfirm if there’s really a hole. I watched porn also just not to make me a complete ignorant if the matter. If I have to be honest with myself, I want to experience it now. But I don’t have a boyfriend and I don’t want to do it casually with just anyone. I still hope that the little girl’s dream in me will come true.

Years ago, when I was abroad, it occured to me to buy a sex toy, specifically a dildo. I saw different sizes of dildo when I was in the street of Thailand. But buying it was only a wild thought then. When I was in Malaysia, I saw another sets of toys in one of their mall’s pharmacy. At that moment, I was deliberating it hard if I’m gonna buy one or not. I did not bought it at the end thinking it might get confiscated at the airport and it will be embarrassing.

Days, months and years passed that I just got contented in exploring may labia, clitoris and my hole itself. At first, I did not know where my clitoris is. It was hiding. I need to open it wide to poke up a little. I tried watching solo female and I followed them on what they are doing to masturbate. I find awkward touching my boobs on my own so I mostly went straight on my clitoris always. After massaging my clitoris, my hole will become slippery. I can explore my hole easily if it’s slippery and wet. Some women in porn have dildo and I don’t have it, so I need to be more resourceful. I tried inserting my index, then my middle and my ring finger. I can do atmost three fingers when I am very slippery. I’m afraid to add more. My fingers are quite short so I wonder if how it feels like deeper. I tried cleaning and using other items too just to further explore the feeling. I used a hair brush handle, a deodorant bottle which shape is like a common vibrator and another small round bottle just to see what can it make me feel.

Playing my clitoris makes me feel like I’m going to pee. Playing my hole gives me a horny feeling and the desire that I really want to have a real man penetrating me. I always ended up tired and like my legs are having cramps. I don’t know if that is already orgasm or if I have really read it. What I know is that I’m very wet and lubricated after all those explorations. I remember during one of my trainings, I was all alone in my hotel room, I was so horny I ended up piling all the pillows in…