I slowly get up from the bed and tried not to make any noise, so that Kikay would not wake up. Then, I walk towards the window and sit in the chair near it. I moved the curtain to let a little sunshine get into the room. I was in high-spirit when I woke up and yet there’s restless in my heart. I am sure now that I have fallen in love with Kikay even though I don’t know when this feeling has started. But the incident last night just makes me aware of my hidden desires and feeling towards her.
At the same time, I am also feeling restless. Making love with the woman who owns my heart was a dream comes true, however, I know that we have crossover our boundaries. She hasn’t drank any alcoholic drink, since I met her. In my mind I was thinking, what if this is the effect of spirits on her. What is she thinks I took advantage of her condition this will destroy the trust we have with each other. My eyes become watery because I knew that there’s a large possibility that the worse scenario could come true and we can never go back being friends as a result.
Looking back, having copulation with same gender was not new to me. I knew my preference even before I reach puberty. Typically, Lesbian in the Philippines often associated with Tomboyish characteristics and I am not. No one can tell that I’m a lesbian since from the way I dressing, action and even my mannerisms, I was a woman.
Only my family members and very close friends knew about my sexuality. Actually, I wanted to keep it a secret to my family, since my mother has an old-fashion religious belief. Nevertheless, no secrets can remain a secret forever. I was in secondary level when I started to have a relationship with a girl. She was my classmate and we started as friends, until my feelings for her develop more than it was supposed to be. I was lucky when she confess that she has the same feelings for me.
It was a joyful event, it was my 1st love and was love back. It seems to be perfect but we have a problem that will destroy what we have. She has a boyfriend. After she breaks up with him, the guy started to spread slur. He also reveals our relationship in the campus that both of us don’t know how to confront it. We were scandalized and much worst the news reached both our parents. She transferred to other school as per wish of her parents and any communication with me was block. I never hear from her from then on.
On my side, my mother though she failed being a mother and blames herself that I became like this. She even forces me to go with her “Christian group” because she believes that I can be cure. I thank God that my father and my brothers accept me, but they can’t do anything to contradict our mother. Being young, I resigned being true to myself so that the indifference I had with my mother would stop.
I tried to be a “normal” girl. I accepted suitors, dated with boys and even had a boyfriend. I wasn’t happy doing it but I don’t want my mother to be unhappy. After a year and half since my debut, my mother succumbs to cancer and immediately after I broke with the guy. He was my 1st and last boyfriend.
He was very nice guy and our relationship lasted for 2 years. He was an ideal boyfriend that every girl could wish for, but I have to let him go because I know he deserved someone better. A girl that could back the love he was able to provide.
I did not notice how many minutes I was reflecting in the chair near the window that I didn’t know that Kikay was already awoken. She sat beside me and the gentle movement in the chair shakes me to go back to reality. I slowly look at her, anxious what will happen next.
She gradually slump her head on my shoulder. I want to break the silence but don’t know what words to say.
It took minutes from the time she seated beside me, before she said a word. She was the one who took the initiative.
“Ohayooo bhe, let’s freshen up before we go get our breakfast.”
I look down to her face trying not to remove her head which was still resting at my shoulder and saw that there’s a glow. She holds my hands and felt our connection. All my doubts and fear that was playing in my head earlier just vanish.
“Bhee.. Bakit ang tahimik mo? “
“I was….(She cuts whatever I’m going to say)”
“Alam mo Bhe, It’s no one’s fault what happened last night. You don’t need to blame yourself since I didn’t stop you. In fact, I also want it to happen.”
“I already had a feeling towards you, even before my break-up with Jake. But I was hesitant to break up with him because I don’t know what to reason out. Thus, when Jake gets another girl pregnant, I took that chance. I know Jake since we were 15, he maybe naughty or horny guy, but I was the only one in his heart. We have also done some naughty things together in the past, but still our loved endured. But recently, I have a change of heart. If there was still love in me, I know I can accept and forgive Jake, but that was not the case. No more guilt feeling to hold me up in the relationship. I also don’t know what you feel toward me and it only became clear when I saw how much you cared for me after breaking off with Jake.” She said.
After that small conversation, it has reaffirms our feelings.
We took breakfast carrying the spark of love inside ourselves that only the two of us can understand.
When we left that place wherein we affirm our feeling for each other, we agreed not to divulge to other people what we have but will remain to committed with each other.
At work everyone notice see us inspired but they thought it was cause by the two guys being link to us. Kikay and I have suitors, but our coworkers were rutting for these two Japanese guys. They were definitely handsome and quite stable. Kikay and I just ride-off the match-making so we can keep our relationship in secret.
Winter season just started when I took a one week leave from work to be with my family in the Philippines. My brothers requested me to come home since we will be celebrating my father’s 60th birthday. I don’t want to go but it was Kikay who convinces me.
“Bhe anu ka ba, Birthday yan ng dad mo. Wag mo ng palampasin ang pagkakataon”
She said, I was lucky to have a faithful father who was always been there for the family. Even if I don’t know her family background, I know she was right. There was still apprehension in my mind, because I know she will have to work double time to…