HER:
I think I’m falling for him.And it’s scary.
I won’t deny that when I first saw him, there was an immediate attraction. I couldn’t really look him in the eye for fear that I might stare. I avoided him most of the night. Didn’t really talk to him that much or just talk to him when needed. I am a shy person, yes. But with him, it was different. It felt like there was an awkward silence between us.
As we continued to see each other, we somehow became more comfortable with each other, especially with our banters from time to time. Some are wholesome banters, while some are, okay… Maybe, I was flirting. But I won’t admit it. Not out loud, anyway.
Eventually, there was skin to skin contact. No, it’s not what you’re thinking. Slight touches, hugs, kissing on the cheeks, and the like. But everytime he does that, there’s this current that runs through my skin, it’s electrifying. I don’t know if he feels it, but I do.
As time passes by, I question myself. Should I ask or should I let it be? I try to act normal whenever he’s around or whenever I’m with him. I know that we can’t be. We’re both in a relationship and yet, the attraction, the chemistry, it’s undeniably there. That no matter how I try to avoid it, it’s there, constantly creeping, seeping. And I can feel that he feels the same way, too. Or maybe I am just reading too much on “our” awkward silences whenever we’re together. Maybe, it’s just me. Maybe, I am hoping. Maybe….
Then one day, it happened. Oh, God! I wish I could have taken them back. But words cannot be taken back… I told him “I love you.” I swear, as soon as I said that, I wanted to die! But what hurt the most, was when he didn’t say anything back. So I told him to forget what I said and that we should pretend it never happened.
So what now?
HIM:
I’m in a relationship.
The first time I saw her, I couldn’t take my eyes off her. She is pretty. But her smile, it was her smile that captured my attention. It melted my heart instantly. She rarely talked to me that night. That, or she’s trying to avoid me. So I was content to stare at her from afar or steal glances at her whenever she’s near. She’d blush and smile shyly when she catches me looking at her.
We continued to see one another in gatherings and have become somewhat comfortable with each other. We exchange jokes, wholesome and otherwise. It seems like we’re flirting with one another. Or is it just me?
From verbally comfortable, we progressed to contact comfortable. Whenever we’re together, I would put my arm around her waist and she would automatically lean on my shoulder. When I kiss her cheeks goodbye, I wanted to kiss her lips instead. Her scent is so intoxicating that I have a hard time controlling myself. I only hope she does not hear the rapid beating of my heart when she’s close to me.
Time has not been helpful. Everytime I see her, all I want to do is to gather her in my arms in a tight embrace and just stay like that until she tells me to let go. But I know we can’t be. We both have partners, and yet, this attraction is undeniably strong that I know she feels it, too. The chemistry between us is something that I haven’t felt in a long time.
“I love you”…. I was caught off guard when she suddenly blurted those words that I was speechless. I didn’t know what to say. How do you respond when someone you like tells you that? But before I could say something, she gave an empty laugh and said to forget what she said and pretend that it didn’t happen.
So what now?
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II: Him And Her… Again
HER
I saw him again last night.
I looked at him and smiled tentatively. He barely looked at me, didn’t even acknowledge my presence. I tried to shrug the feeling off and just continued with my drink. I turned back my attention to friends and laughed as if the whole world depended on it. Inside, my heart was starting to fall apart… Slowly.
The night progressed with scarcely a word to each other. My eyes would wander towards him when I know he’s not looking. He’s having fun, I thought. He’s quiet at times, though.
I wonder, does he think of me? I devised ways to be near him, to stay close to him but all in vain. All I got was a very cold reception. I honestly didn’t know what to do or how to feel. But, hey, I managed to mask my feelings with the sound of my laughter.
It was then a male friend wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me close to him. He nuzzled the side of my neck. I let him. I let him see what my friend was doing. Our eyes met. What did I see? Was it pain? Jealousy? Was he hurting? Thoughts ran in my head. Should I ask my friend to stop and let go? Or should I let him be? Why is he getting so affected by my friend’s actions? Or am I just imagining things?
And it was time for him to go. I wanted to tell him to stay. I wanted to tell him, “Don’t go.” But I didn’t. He hugged me, and I felt the coldness in his touch. I swallowed hard, blinked back the threatening tears, hugged him back and whispered, “Take care”.
Why don’t you tell me how you feel?
HIM
She was there.
When I came into the room, I saw her. I saw her smile but I averted my gaze. Her smile faltered when I pretended not to see her. I brushed it off and went to my friends. I could hear her having fun. So far, so good, I thought.
I tried my best not to approach her that night. I avoided any attempts of conversation with her. To make things more believable, I begged off from talking with anyone. I told them I was just tired. I would smile inwardly everytime she laughed and smiled. Her laugh is so infectious that you can’t help but smile.
She would sometimes sit beside me or just be near me. I wanted so bad to touch her, to be like how we used to be, but I steeled myself. I tried to be indifferent. But her scent, God! It makes me want to make her mine alone.
Suddenly, a male friend casually wrapped his arms around her and pulled her to him. She tilted her head slightly to allow him to nuzzle her neck. Our eyes locked briefly. But what was that I saw? Did she smirk? Was she challenging me? What’s this I feel? I couldn’t seem to concentrate. My mind.. I’m confused. My heart.. Is it breaking? I want to be him. I want to be the one with her in my arms, inhaling her sweet fragrance. Argh! Why?
And so I decided to leave. I had to get out. It was getting harder to breathe, seeing them. I was suffocating. I hugged everyone goodbye, but her. She was the one who hugged me whereas I acted nonchalantly and patted her back. I heard her voice crack when she said, “Take care”.
I want to tell her how I feel. But how? When I had once rejected her.
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III: Him and Her… Finale (?)
HER
I have been fidgeting.
I have been staring at my phone for quite some time now. Been mentally cursing myself for typing and erasing and then typing the message I wanted to send to him. What if he doesn’t reply? I asked myself. He hasn’t talked to me since that night, and now, this. I sighed. I put my phone down in frustration. To be honest, I wanted to throw my phone against the wall. I wanted to scream. But all I can do is breathe deeply and let the tears fall.
I stood up, paced back and forth and ran my fingers through my long hair. I stopped and bit my lip. I know my face is a mixture of worry, concern, confusion. But finally, I have made a decision. I grabbed my phone and typed furiously and immediately pressed send. And I waited.
Seconds turned to minutes, and minutes turned to hours. I just sat there, looking at the clock, biting my finger, patiently, or rather, impatiently…